I decided early on in my career that I wasn’t going to change who I was. I chose to be different. But I’m not sure the system always rewarded that.

I was brought up to treat people how I would want to be treated. With respect. With kindness. With fairness.

And I carried that with me into my career. But very quickly, I started to hear something else. I was told I was too nice. Not assertive enough. Not tough enough. That I needed to be harder. And I remember thinking…Says who? Because at the end of every day, I had to go home and look at myself in the mirror. And I couldn’t and wouldn’t change the core of who I was.

I wanted to be fair. I wanted to be kind. I wanted to be human.

But I often questioned whether that came at a cost. Was I overlooked for promotion because I didn’t fit that mould? Did I progress more slowly because I didn’t play the game in the same way?

I remember looking around at others and thinking… They’re better than me. They’re more confident. They know how to work the system.

And I struggled at times to get my voice heard. In rooms where everyone was talking, competing to be heard…I had things to say. Things I believed were worthwhile. But I didn’t want to shout. I wanted to be listened to.

Looking back, I realise how much energy I spent just trying to find my place. Trying to find my voice. Because deep down, I often felt like I didn’t quite fit.  But I held onto myself. I held onto who I was. I always tried to be kind. I always tried to be fair. Maybe I didn’t always get it right. But I tried. And that has stayed with me. Because I don’t believe kindness is weakness.

I saw people progress not always because they were the best leaders, but because they knew how to work the system.  They said the right things. To the right people. At the right time. I witnessed people who treated others in a way I did not respect get promoted.  What message did that send out to others - bad behaviours get rewarded.  

That doesn’t mean they weren’t talented. But it made me question… What are we really rewarding?

Because what I saw, and what I experienced, was something else. When people feel safe… they do their best work. When people feel respected… they give more. When people feel valued… they grow. I always believed that everyone has something special, a brilliance, a diamond. And when you treat people well, you create loyalty. You create trust. You create environments where people can actually thrive.

But I also experienced the opposite. Environments that were tough. So tough at times they felt almost traumatic. Places where I didn’t thrive. Where I closed down.  Went inward. Became a fraction of who I was. 

Environments where you didn’t feel able to show any vulnerability.  You put a façade up.  You built a wall around yourself.  You didn’t want to show cracks.  You didn’t want to be seen as not strong enough.  Because somewhere underneath, there was a fear.  If I show weakness… Does that put my role at risk?  Does that change how I’m seen?

And for many women, this was even more complex.

Coming back from maternity leave and trying to re-establish yourself. Balancing the pressures of being a mother with the expectations of the workplace. Feeling like you had to prove yourself all over again. The guilt. The pressure. The constant juggling.

Or needing time for appointments that couldn’t be moved, moments that really mattered and feeling the tension of stepping away from work to do something so deeply personal.

And through all of this…Still feeling like you had to hold it together.  Still feeling like you couldn’t show vulnerability.  Because vulnerability felt risky.

And towards the end of my old career, there were times I struggled to enjoy a single day.  I was hating days of my life. And that’s when I really started to question everything. What is this all for?

What are these environments doing to people? Because I saw the impact firsthand. People who had been deeply affected. Confidence damaged. In some cases, real trauma from how they had been treated.

And I realised something very clearly. This isn’t about individuals being “bad”. It’s about the environments we create. The systems we operate in. What is tolerated and becomes acceptable behaviour.

Because those systems shape behaviour. And not always for the better. And that’s why this needs to change.

The systems we live inside shape who we become.

Which means if we want a different future, we have to build different systems.

This is the fifth in my series Truths From Inside the System - reflections on fashion, leadership and the environments we spend so much of our lives inside.

Gilly
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